The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes Read online

  THE MAMMOTH BOOK OF TASTELESS JOKES

  Also available

  The Mammoth Book of 20th Century Science Fiction, vol. 2

  The Mammoth Book of Best British Mysteries

  The Mammoth Book of Best Horror Comics

  The Mammoth Book of the Best of Best New SF

  The Mammoth Book of Best New Horror 20

  The Mammoth Book of Best New Manga 3

  The Mammoth Book of Best New SF 22

  The Mammoth Book of Best War Comics

  The Mammoth Book of Bikers

  The Mammoth Book of Boys’ Own Stuff

  The Mammoth Book of Brain Teasers

  The Mammoth Book of Brain Workouts

  The Mammoth Book of Comic Fantasy

  The Mammoth Book of Comic Quotes

  The Mammoth Book of Cover-Ups

  The Mammoth Book of Crime Comics

  The Mammoth Book of the Deep

  The Mammoth Book of Dickensian Whodunnits

  The Mammoth Book of Egyptian Whodunnits

  The Mammoth Book of Fast Puzzles

  The Mammoth Book of Funniest Cartoons of All Time

  The Mammoth Book of Great Inventions

  The Mammoth Book of Hard Men

  The Mammoth Book of Historical Whodunnits

  The Mammoth Book of How It Happened: America

  The Mammoth Book of How It Happened: In Britain

  The Mammoth Book of Illustrated True Crime

  The Mammoth Book of Inside the Elite Forces

  The Mammoth Book of Jacobean Whodunnits

  The Mammoth Book of King Arthur

  The Mammoth Book of Limericks

  The Mammoth Book of Maneaters

  The Mammoth Book of Martial Arts

  The Mammoth Book of Men O’ War

  The Mammoth Book of Modern Battles

  The Mammoth Book of Modern Ghost Stories

  The Mammoth Book of Monsters

  The Mammoth Book of Mountain Disasters

  The Mammoth Book of New Terror

  The Mammoth Book of On the Road

  The Mammoth Book of Pirates

  The Mammoth Book of Poker

  The Mammoth Book of Prophecies

  The Mammoth Book of Tattoos

  The Mammoth Book of Roaring Twenties Whodunnits

  The Mammoth Book of Sex, Drugs and Rock ‘N’ Roll

  The Mammoth Book of Short Spy Novels

  The Mammoth Book of Sorcerers’ Tales

  The Mammoth Book of The Beatles

  The Mammoth Book of The Mafia

  The Mammoth Book of True Hauntings

  The Mammoth Book of True War Stories

  The Mammoth Book of Unsolved Crimes

  The Mammoth Book of Vintage Whodunnits

  The Mammoth Book of Wild Journeys

  The Mammoth Book of Zombie Comics

  Constable & Robinson Ltd

  3 The Lanchesters

  162 Fulham Palace Road

  London W6 9ER

  www.constablerobinson.com

  First published in the UK by Robinson, an imprint of Constable & Robinson, 2010

  Copyright © E. Henry Thripshaw, 2010 (unless otherwise indicated)

  The right of E. Henry Thripshaw to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988.

  All rights reserved. This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, re-sold, hired out or otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

  A copy of the British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data is available from the British Library

  UK ISBN 978-1-84901-055-9

  1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2

  First published in the United States in 2010 by Running Press Book Publishers

  All rights reserved under the Pan-American and International Copyright Conventions

  This book may not be reproduced in whole or in part, in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system now known or hereafter invented, without written permission from the publisher.

  9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

  Digit on the right indicates the number of this printing

  US Library of Congress number: 2009943393

  US ISBN 978-0-7624-4000-9

  Running Press Book Publishers

  2300 Chestnut Street

  Philadelphia, PA 19103-4371

  Visit us on the web!

  www.runningpress.com

  Printed and bound in the EU

  AUTHOR'S NOTE

  Congratulations on buying the special “bad taste” edition of this book. You have chosen wisely. No depth has been left unplumbed, no barrel unscraped, no bar unlowered to bring you this epic collection of xxx-rated jokes.

  There is little or no inoffensive material in this book, apart from a few bland acknowledgments and as they only appear in this opening introduction you are almost past them now. The book itself is printed on non-recycled paper from non-renewable sources, hand bound and printed using very cheap third world labour, the pages glued into place using gelatin from rendered donkey hides and flown thousands of miles to a bookshop near you, thus achieving a carbon footprint at least fifteen times larger than normal for a book even of this size. By the simple act of buying this unnecessarily fat volume, thus increasing the risk of a reprint, you can congratulate yourself upon joining the ranks of some of the worst carbon polluters on the planet.

  Finally, I would like to thank the Royal Family for giving me access to the Windsor joke archive, especially their large collection of gratuitously offensive racist material. A special personal thanks also of course to HRH the Duke of Edinburgh for his fine Diana jokes. It was also a great honour to have been one of the first non-royals ever to have set eyes upon the Saxe Coburg Gotha dirty joke archive, which I spent many happy hours poring over, although, alas, the legendary Queen Mary “fisting joke” proved elusive.

  In short, something to offend everyone, I hope.

  E. Henry Thripshaw (Colonel)

  CONTENTS

  Aardvarks

  Abortions

  Accidents

  Acne

  Adam and Eve

  Advertisements

  Advice

  Afterlife

  Agony Aunts

  Agoraphobia

  AIDS

  Air Travel

  Aliens

  Al-Qaeda

  Alzheimer’s

  America and Americans

  Amish

  Amputees

  Anal Sex

  Animals

  Anne Frank

  Anniversaries

  Arabs

  Australians

  Assassins

  Autism

  Autopsies

  Bankers

  Bar Jokes

  Bears

  The Beatles

  Bereavement

  Bestiality

  Birds

  Blindness

  Blondes

  Breasts

  Brothels

  Builders

  Burns Victims

  Canadians

  Cancer

  Cannibals

  Cars

  Cats

  Chavs

  Childbirth

  China and the Chinese

  Christmas

  Church

  Cinema

  Cliff Richard

  Comas

  Contraception

  Cosmetic Surgery

&nbs
p; Courts

  Cowboys

  Cremation

  Cricket

  Crime

  Dead Celebrities

  Deafness

  Dentists

  Desert Islands

  Diarrhoea

  Dining Out

  Disability

  Divorce

  DIY

  Doctors

  Dogs

  Drowning

  Drugs

  Drunks

  Ducks

  Dyslexia

  Eating Disorders

  Economists

  Elephants

  Englishmen

  Epilepsy

  Essex Girls

  Farmers

  Feminists

  First Dates

  Fishing

  Flatulence

  Food

  Fortune Tellers

  Frogs

  Funerals

  Gambling

  Gary Glitter

  George Best

  Gerbils

  German Jokes

  Germans

  Ginger People

  God

  Golf

  Gorillas

  Goths

  Grandparents

  Graveyards

  Greeks

  Gynaecologists

  Gypsies

  Hair Loss

  Harold Shipman

  Heaven

  Heather Mills

  Hitchhikers

  Homelessness

  Homosexuals

  Honeymoons

  Hotels

  Hunting

  Hurricane Katrina

  Ice Cream

  Incest

  Infidelity

  The Internet

  Irishmen

  Italians

  The Japanese

  Jehovah’s Witnesses

  Jesus

  Jews

  Kinky Sex

  Lawyers

  Lepers

  Lesbians

  Light Bulb Jokes

  Limericks

  Lingerie

  The Lottery

  Magic

  Manchester United

  Margaret Thatcher

  Marriage

  Masturbation

  Mechanics

  Medical

  Men v Women

  Menstruation

  Mental Illness

  Mexicans

  Mice

  Michael Jackson

  Midgets

  The Military

  Mothers-in-Law

  Morticians

  Music

  Muslims

  Native Americans

  Necrophilia

  Nose Picking

  Nuns

  Nymphomania

  Obesity

  Old Age

  Oral Sex

  Organ Transplants

  Orgasms

  Parkinson’s Disease

  Paralympics

  Partying

  Penises

  Personal Hygiene

  Pet Shops

  Pharmacists

  Philosophers

  Poles

  Police

  Political Correctness

  Politicians

  The Pope

  Pornography

  Post

  Premature Ejaculation

  Priests

  Princess Diana

  Prison

  Profanity

  Prostitutes

  Psychiatrists

  Quasimodo

  Rabbis

  Rabbits

  Racism

  Rats

  Rednecks

  Relationships

  Religion

  Retirement Homes

  Road Accidents

  Royalty

  Salesmen

  Schizophrenia

  School

  Scots

  Scousers

  Sectarians

  Sex and the Elderly

  Sex Education

  Sexist Jokes About Men

  Sexist Jokes About Women

  Sexually Transmitted Diseases

  Shit

  Shopping

  Siamese Twins

  Skydiving

  Smoking

  Sperm

  Sport

  Stephen Hawking

  Stevie Wonder

  Suicide

  Suicide Bombers

  Supermarkets

  Surgery

  Taxis

  Teachers

  Technology

  Testicles

  Toilets

  Tourette’s Syndrome

  Trains

  Transvestites/Transgendered

  TV

  University

  Valentines

  Vampires

  Vegetarians

  Ventriloquists

  Vets

  Viagra

  Vibrators

  Vive la France

  Welshmen

  Work

  Zoos

  AARDVARKS

  An aardvark walks into a bar, orders a pint of beer, sits down and starts to read his newspaper. The barman pulls a pint and takes it over to the aardvark, who proffers a £10 note. The barman goes back to the till, returns with a pound coin and duly gives it the aardvark, who doesn’t say a word.

  The aardvark eventually downs his beer and calls for another one. The barman says to him, “You know, we don’t get many aardvarks in here.”

  The aardvark replies, “At £9 a pint, I’m not fucking surprised.”

  What do you call an aardvark that keeps getting his head kicked in?

  A vark.

  ABORTIONS

  Have you heard about the Irish abortion clinic?

  There’s a twelve-month waiting list.

  What two purchased items are most likely to freak out a cashier?

  A pregnancy test and a coat hanger.

  Why is the Catholic Church so opposed to abortion?

  Because it would mean fewer children to molest.

  What do you call a man at an abortion clinic?

  Relieved.

  What’s the difference between a television and a pregnant girlfriend?

  If you put a coat hanger inside your pregnant girlfriend you don’t get a very good reception.

  Hear about the back-street abortionist whose business folded?

  His ferret died.

  What do you call an abortion in Prague?

  A cancelled Czech.

  Why can’t you fool an aborted foetus?

  Because it wasn’t born yesterday.

  My girlfriend recently had an abortion.

  Looking on the bright side, she also won Slimmer of the Week.

  Two women were sitting in the waiting room of an abortion clinic. One noticed that the other was knitting what appeared to be a little blue romper suit.

  The first lady said to the knitter, “Excuse me, but don’t you think it is just a little bit tasteless to be knitting a romper suit when you are about to have an abortion?”

  “Not even remotely,” the second lady replied. “It’s a body bag.”

  ACCIDENTS

  Two lumberjacks, Mark and his mate Jim, were cutting wood when Jim accidentally sawed his arm off. Mark carefully wrapped the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it and Jim to the nearest hospital. “Your friend is in luck!” the surgeon told Mark. “I’m an expert at reattaching limbs. Come back in four hours.”

  When Mark returned four hours later the surgeon said, “I got through the operation much faster than expected. Your friend said to tell you that he has gone to the pub.” Mark found this news quite hard to believe but he went to the pub, and, amazingly, his friend Jim was enjoying a pint and a game of darts.

  A few months later, Mark and Jim were sawing wood again when the accident-prone Jim cut his leg off. Mark placed the leg in a plastic bag and took it and Jim back to the surgeon. The surgeon said, “Legs are a little more complicated – come back in six hours.” Mark returned in six hours and the surgeon said, “I fi
nished early – your mate said to tell you he has gone to the park to play football.” Mark went to the local playing fields and, sure enough, there was Jim, kicking a ball about.

  A few months later the hapless Jim had yet another freak sawing accident and was decapitated. Mark put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of Jim to the surgeon. The surgeon said, “Heads are extremely difficult. Come back in twelve hours.” So Mark returned in twelve hours, but was shocked when the surgeon told him, “I’m sorry, your friend died.”

  “I don’t understand, you said heads were just difficult.”

  The surgeon replied, “No, the surgery went well. I’m afraid your friend suffocated in that plastic bag.”

  Tom was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through the floor and ripped off both of his ears. As he was permanently disfigured, he settled for a very large sum of money and left the company. At first he was highly self-conscious about his disability and he stayed at home, keeping himself to himself. A few months later, however, Tom decided to invest his money in a small, but lucrative, franchise business. After weeks of negotiations he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew little about running a business. He decided he had to hire someone who could help him out. After advertising in the local press he received several interesting CVs and eventually set up three interviews.

  The first candidate was very promising. He was intelligent, friendly and seemed to know everything he needed to. As the interview drew to a conclusion, the applicant commented, “I couldn’t help but notice, but you don’t appear to have any ears.” Tom was very disappointed by his lack of tact and decided there and then that he was not right for the job.

  The second interviewee was a woman and she was even better than the first. At the end of the interview he asked her directly: “Do you notice anything different about me?”

  She replied: “Well, you have no ears.”

  Tom again felt slightly offended and decided not to employ her.

  The third and final interviewee was the best of all three, a young graduate fresh out of business school. He was very smart, he was very easy to get along with and he seemed to have more about him than the first two put together.

  Tom was apprehensive, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: “Do you notice anything different about me?”

  To his surprise, the young man answered: “Yes. You wear contact lenses.”

  Tom was shocked, and said, “What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?”