The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes Page 6
The rear tiger replied, “Sorry. I really didn’t mean to offend. But I just ate a merchant banker on safari and I’m trying to get the taste out of my mouth.”
BAR JOKES
A Roman centurion walks into a bar.
“What can I get you?” asks the barman.
“I’ll have a Martinum please.”
“Don’t you mean a Martini?”
“If I want a fucking double I’ll ask for one.”
A man walks into a bar with a crocodile under his arm. He says to the barman, “I’ll have a pint of bitter, please, and a nigger for the crocodile.”
The barman pours the pint and goes out the back. When he returns he says to the customer: “Sorry, pal, we only have pygmies left.”
“No thanks,” replies the customer, “I’m not starting him on shorts this early in the day.”
A man walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and, while he’s drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place. It steals some olives from behind the bar and eats them, then takes some pickled eggs from a jar and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The barman shouts at the monkey’s owner: “Oi, did you see what your monkey just did?”
“No, what?”
“The little bastard just ate the cue ball off my pool table!” says the barman.
“That doesn’t surprise me,” replies the customer “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ball and everything.” He finishes his drink, pays his bill and leaves.
Two weeks later he’s back in the bar and he has his monkey with him again. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running amok around the bar again. While the man is enjoying his drink, the monkey finds a cherry in a customer’s glass. He grabs it, sticks it up his arse, pulls it out, and eats it.
The barman is appalled. “Oi, did you see what your monkey did now?” he asks.
“Now what?” responds the customer.
“Well, the little bastard pinched a cherry from that guy’s drink, stuck the cherry up his arse, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barman.
“Well, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the customer. “He still eats everything in sight but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first.”
I went to the pub last night and the barman asked me what I wanted. I said, “Surprise me!” So he showed me a naked picture of my daughter.
A man walks into a bar and asks the barmaid for a double entendre, so she gives him one.
A couple are sitting in a bar when a man comes up to them. “Excuse me,” he says to the couple, “VD?” The boyfriend jumps up and punches him in the face, knocking him to the foor with a bloody nose. The man picks himself up and goes to the toilet to clean himself up.
A couple of minutes later he’s back in the bar approaching another couple. “Excuse me,” he says to them, “VD?” The same thing happens. Three couples and three more beatings later he sees a bloke in the corner with a scabby face. He goes over and says, “VD, mate?”
“Yeah,” replies the bloke.
“Oh good. You’re next on the dartboard.”
An Englishman, a Welshman and a Scot are sitting in a beer garden drinking a beer. A fly falls into each one’s mug. The Englishman pours away his beer with the fly and orders a new beer. The Welshman picks the fly out of his mug with his fingers and continues drinking. The Scot picks out the fly and then forces it to spit out the beer it has swallowed.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, “Why the long face?”
The horse replies, “I’ve got Down’s Syndrome.”
A man walks into a bar. The barmaid asks what he wants.
“I want to put my head between your tits and lick the sweat off,” he replies.
“You bloody pervert!” shrieks the barmaid. “Get out before I get my husband.”
The bloke apologizes and says he will never do it again. The barmaid accepts his apology and again asks what he wants.
“I want to pull down your knickers, spread chocolate all over your cunt and lick it off,” he replies.
“That’s it!” shrieks the barmaid. “You’re barred, you dirty bastard. Leave now!”
Once again the man apologizes profusely and swears that he will never, ever, do it again. “Right. I’ll give you one last chance,” says the barmaid. “Now, what do you want?”
“I want to turn you upside down, fill your cunt with scrumpy cider and suck it all out of you.”
The barmaid runs sobbing upstairs to her husband, who is watching the telly.
“What’s up, love?” says the husband.
“There’s this disgusting pervert downstairs! When I asked him what he wanted, he said that he wanted to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off,” she said in a flood of tears.
“He did what? He’s a dead man!” shouts the husband, getting out of his chair.
“Then he said he wanted to pull down my knickers and spread chocolate all over my pussy and lick it clean!” screams the wife.
“I don’t believe it! The bastard!” shouts the husband, rolling up his sleeves and picking up a baseball bat.
“Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my pussy with scrumpy cider and drink it out of me,” she concludes.
The husband puts the baseball bat down and sits back down in his chair.
“Aren’t you going to do something?” shouts the wife, in hysterics.
“Sorry, love, I’m not messing with someone who can drink fourteen pints of scrumpy cider.”
A man walks into a bar. The barman asks: “Why the long face?”
The man says: “My mother was raped by a horse.”
How do you know when a barmaid is mad at you?
There’s a string hanging out of your Bloody Mary.
A strip of tarmac goes into a bar and orders a pint. After serving him, the barman asks if he wants to join his friend in the corner. He looks around and sees sitting in the corner a strip of green tarmac. The strip of tarmac shakes his head violently: “I’m not going near him, he’s a fucking cycle path!”
A man was drinking alone at the bar. “How come I never see you in here with Phil any more?” the barman asks him.
“Well, would you drink with a bloke who’s a liar, always late, borrows money he never pays back, never offers to buy a round, is jealous of everything you have and as soon as your back is turned he tries to fuck your wife and daughter?”
“Bloody hell, no!” says the barman.
“Well, neither would Phil.”
A man walks into a bar. He’s massive, heavily tattooed and menacing. He knocks back a beer and snarls, “All the men on this side of the bar are cocksuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?” You could hear a pin drop.
He then knocks back another beer and snarls, “All the men on the other side of the bar are motherfuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?” Everyone is silent again.
Then one man gets up from his stool and starts to walk towards the man.
“You got a problem, pal?”
“No, I’m just on the wrong side of the bar.”
A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat. The barman walks over to them and says, “What can I get for you?”
The man replies, “I’ll have pint of bitter.”
The ostrich says, “I’ll have pint of bitter.”
The cat says, “I’ll have half a pint and I’m not paying.”
So the barman says, “Okay, that will be £5.50.”
The man reaches into his pocket and places the exact amount on the bar. About an hour later the barman goes back over to them and says, “What’ll you gentlemen have?”
The man says, “I’ll have another pint of bitter.”
The ostrich says, “I’ll have a another pint of bitter.”
The cat says, “I’ll have another half but I’m not paying.”
The barman serves them and says, “That’ll be £5.50.�
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The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. A couple of days later they come back into the bar and the barman walks over and asks, “What do you guys want today?”
The man says, “I’ll have a whisky.”
The ostrich says, “I’ll have a whisky.”
The cat says, “I’ll have half of bitter but I’m not paying.”
So the barman says “Okay, that will be £8.53.” The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.
So, the barman can’t help but ask: “Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact change in your pocket?”
The man said, “I found a bottle with a genie in it and she granted me three wishes. My first wish was that I always have the exact change in my pocket for anything I buy.”
The barman says, “That’s a really clever wish. That’s better than asking for a lottery win. A lottery win will run out eventually but that never will. What were your other two wishes?”
The man says, “That, unfortunately, is where I fucked up. I asked for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy.”
Three women walk into a bar. “Congratulations,” says the barman. “You’ve subverted a male-dominated joke format.”
Two fat blokes in a bar. One says to the other: “Your round.”
His mate replies: “You can talk, you fat fuck.”
James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually glances at his watch.
The woman asks, “Is your date running late?”
“No,” 007 replies, “I am here alone. Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.”
The woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”
“It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,” he explains.
“What’s it telling you now?”
“Well, it says you’re not wearing any knickers.”
The woman laughs and replies, “Well, your state-of-the-art gadget must be faulty because I am most certainly wearing panties!”
007 taps his watch, and says, “Blast, the damn thing must be an hour fast.”
An man walks into a bar and sees a sign:
CHEESEBURGER: £1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: £2.50
HAND JOB: £10.00
He walks up to one of the three attractive barmaids:
“Yes?” she enquires with a smile. “Can I help you?”
“I was wondering,” whispers the man, “are you the one who gives the hand jobs?”
“Yes,” she purrs, “I am.”
“Well,” he replies, “go wash your hands and get me a cheeseburger.”
A young guy was sitting in the pub enjoying a quiet pint when in walked the most stunning woman he had ever laid eyes on. She was tall with brown eyes, silky blonde hair and an incredible figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy T-shirt. He could see that she was bra-less and her incredibly pert breasts were on show. After watching her walk in, he turned back to his beer and shrugged – she was way out of his league. No sooner had he taken a sip of his beer, however, when she pulled up another bar stool and sat right next to him.
“Hi,” she said, then took his hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down. “So, does that make you feel good?” she asked. “I’ll bet you feel good,” she continued. “In fact, I’ll bet you’ve never felt this good before.”
“Actually, I have,” the young guy corrected her. “You see, when I was eighteen, I was picked to play for the school football team to play in the regional cup final in front of a crowd of about 500 people and I felt fantastic.”
No sooner had the words left his mouth that he realized his mistake. Instead of getting up to leave, as might be expected, the woman took his hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into his palm as she massaged his hand into her perfect breast.
“So, how do you feel now,” she purred.
“Not bad,” the man replied.
“I’ll bet you do,” said the woman. “In fact, I’ll bet you’ve never felt this good before!”
Unbelievably, the young guy replied, “Well, actually I have. In that game I was telling you about we were 1–1 with only about one minute left on the clock. The opposition knocked the ball deep into our half, where I picked it up, ran half the length of the pitch, dribbled past four defenders, nutmegged a fifth, than just as I was about to score I was scythed down by their keeper. He was shown the red card and I had a simple penalty kick to win the match.”
“Christ,” he muttered under his breath to himself, not believing what he had just said. He was amazed therefore when she pulled his hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. His fingers immediately met her moist fanny.
“Okay, smartarse,” she said. “But I bet you never felt a cunt like this before?”
“Certainly have,” he answered, “I put it over the bar”.
A beautiful woman approaches the bar in a quiet rural pub. She beckons alluringly to the barman, who immediately goes to serve her. She asks him to come closer, then leans over and seductively caresses his beard.
“Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
“Actually, no,” the man replies.
“Then can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she says, running her hands through his beard.
“I’m afraid I can’t,” says the barman breathlessly. “Is there anything I can do?”
“Yes there is. I need you to give him a message,” she continues, running her finger through his hair.
“What should I tell him?” the bartender just manages to say.
“Tell him”, she whispers, now sliding two fingers inside his mouth, “that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies’ room.”
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. After a few minutes he goes to the cigarette-vending machine to buy a pack of smokes. As he approaches the machine he hears a voice coming from it: “You’re a fucking prick,” says the voice. “You’re a cunt and a waste of space. Piss off, you tosser, before I insult you some more.”
He runs to the bar and complains to the barman. The barman apologizes profusely: “I’m sorry, sir, the cigarette machine is out of order.”
An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, an Australian, an Arab, a homosexual, a horse, a Jew and a crocodile walk into a bar. The barman says, “Is this some kind of joke?”
BEARS
What’s the most manic and psychotic animal in the world?
The bi-polar bear.
A bear wakes up in the forest and goes behind a bush to take a shit. While he’s taking a dump he sees a little rabbit nearby doing the same. “Hey there, little fella, what you doin’?” the bear says, trying to strike up a friendly conversation.
“Hi there, Mr Bear,” replies the rabbit. “I’m taking a dump.”
“You ever have problems with shit sticking to your fur?” enquires the bear.
“Nope,” replies the rabbit.
So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his arse with it.
A bear walks into a bar in Boise, Idaho. He sits down and says to the barman “I’ll have a beer, please.”
The barman replies, “Sorry, we don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Boise.”
The bear persists, “Give me a break, I’m really thirsty.”
The barman says, “Sorry we don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Boise.”
So the bear says, “Look, I’m spitting feathers here. I’ll pay you double.”
But again the barman says, “Sorry, we don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Boise.”
The bear is really angry by now so he grabs the woman sitting in the stool next to him, rips her head off and eats her whole. Then he says to the barman, “Give me a fucking beer or you’re next!”
The barman replies, “Look, I already told you we don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Boise, and we certainly don’t serve it to bears on drugs!”
“Drugs, I’m not on drugs!” roars the bear.
“Why of course you are,” says the bartender. “That was a bar bitch you ate.”
A koala bear from Australia took a holiday in London to experience a different culture. After arriving at Heathrow and getting settled in at his hotel, the koala bear decided to take a walk. After touring Soho for a few hours he noticed several women on the side of the street strutting their stuff.
The koala bear approached one of them and asked, “What are you doing?”
The woman replied, “I’m a prostitute. Are you looking for a good time?”
The koala bear immediately replied that he was.
“Do you want sex?” the prostitute asked.
“Well, I think so, I did come here to live the true London experience,” said the bear, with a grin on his face.
The prostitute grabbed the bear’s hand and directed him to her dingy flat, where they had sex. Soon after, the koala bear got out of bed and headed for the door.
The prostitute shouted, “Where do you think you’re going?”
The bear told her that he was done and it was time for him to go. “I’m a prostitute. You have to pay me!” she protested.
The bear said with disgust, “Since when do I have to pay for sex?”
The prostitute replied, “Everyone I have sex with has to pay. It’s in the dictionary, look it up.” The koala bear agreed to pull out a dictionary from one of her shelves to look up the word “prostitute”. It said: “A woman who has sex in exchange for money.”
The koala bear then remarked, “Okay, to make it even, why don’t you look up the word koala bear?”
The prostitute grabbed the dictionary and looked up “koala bear”. The bear said, “Go ahead, read it aloud!”